My house is empty and I have no one to talk to, so I guess I will write about it. I suppose that is kind of the point of blogs. Get it all out.
So these last 3 weeks have been a little trying. First of my fiance is now a truck driver and is gone several weeks at a time. We used to work together. We drove to and from work together every day. We were around each other all the time. Now with him gone a lot it has been a big adjustment. Then, my daughter left for several weeks to go on vacation with her grandparents and see her dad. I was/am excited that she got to take this trip. It's Summer and she should be out and able to do things. I can't afford to send her out there so the fact that her grandparents paid was a wonderful thing. They are good people and she is having a good time. I have never been away from her this long, though, and I really miss her.
I have been trying to keep myself busy. I went out with my mom to take photos, which is very relaxing and therapeutic for me. I was trying to enjoy having some time to myself. It didn't make things any easier.
The hardest thing about these few weeks is that last Tuesday morning I was woken by someone knocking on my door. It was 7:16am and I was really disoriented and confused as to why someone would be knocking on my door. It was my neighbor, whom I've only talked to twice. Once when he helped me and another neighbor get out of the sugar sand we stupidly got our trucks stuck in, and once when I was visiting the other neighbor's home. This was not a friendly visit. He was there to tell me that he had just run over my dog. Our dog, Buddy, had a pen in the back yard. He got out several times by jumping/climbing over it. We made it 6ft tall. We added chicken wire above that in the place where he was climbing out. He hadn't gotten out for a very long time, so I was somewhat confused when he stated he had just hit him. Now, I didn't automatically assume the worst because he was a German Sheppard/ Husky. He easily weighed 100lbs. We live on a corner lot, and the neighbor has to come around that corner before passing our house. He couldn't have been going fast enough to kill a dog that size. Then I recalled the many times I'd seen this man come hauling ass around the corner and it sunk in. My dog was dead...that's why he looked distraught. I looked in the road and saw my dog lying directly in the middle, not moving, not breathing. He was gone. The neighbor was very apologetic as he was inspecting his car for damages. He mentioned that he didn't even see the dog. Apparently not because there were no skid marks on the dirt road. He mentioned that he was already late for work, helped me move the dog out of the road and left. I was very grateful that he had the decency to come and tell me what had just happened. As I checked the dog again, just because I was hoping that I was wrong about my diagnosis, and was relieved that he was dead. If he wasn't he would be in a lot of pain. His front leg was completely broken. Snapped in half, bone sticking out. There were pieces of his skin that were ripped of his side and legs. Blood was pouring out of his mouth and nose. It was the most horrific thing I had ever seen. I broke down right at that moment and sobbed. I cried for at least 10 minutes straight before I gained enough composure to call my fiance and tell him what happened. He was as heartbroken as I was. He was angry at this guy for driving so fast on our street. He was confused because we had tried so hard to keep that dog in his pen and couldn't figure out how he got out again. Then he was sad. Sad he couldn't be there for me to help me get through this. Sad that I had to bury our dog on my own. I then called work and said I would be late. When I went in to get clothes on (I was still in my pajamas until this point) I looked at our cats. They knew something had happened. They normally are ready to run out the door first thing in the morning. This particular morning they sat on the kitchen table looking at me. Not running out, not meowing, not doing anything. I got dressed, took a deep breath, and got to work. I dug a whole under the trees to the East of our house near the place where we buried a few of our geckos. After getting through the tree roots I was grateful that our entire yard is sand. I had to stop every few minute to wipe my eyes and nose. I couldn't stop crying. I was dreading getting the dog into the hole. Putting him in there was going to be harder than anything I had ever done in my life. After getting Buddy to his final resting place it started sinking in...I was eventually going to have to tell my daughter. I, of course, won't tell her while she's on vacation. It would consume her and she wouldn't be able to enjoy the rest of her trip. I am so thankful that she wasn't home to see her dog this way! That is not how I want her to remember him. He was a fantastic dog! He was only a year and a half old. He was very happy, loving, loyal, and beautiful. Telling my daughter that he is gone is going to turn into the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I went back in to get cleaned up and get ready for work. I went to work that day. It was rough. I tried to keep it together but I kept crying off and on. I couldn't tell anyone except for my supervisor, and that was only to explain why I was late. One of the few employees I can call a friend texted me that afternoon to say that he could tell something was wrong and that he was there to help in anyway he could. I texted him back explaining what happened. He gave his condolences. I made it home somehow. It's amazing I could see through the tears. I was sitting on my couch blankly staring at the wall, still crying when I got another knock on the door. It was my neighbor again, and his girlfriend. He brought me flowers and apologized again. Of course I broke down and could barely speak to him. I felt bad that I couldn't speak. I felt like I should have invited them in, but what for? So they can watch me sob and blow snot into my stack of tissues? Absurd. I really appreciated the gesture though. Not many people would give a damn about something like that. In these days of frivolous lawsuits I could have easily been sued if there was any damage to his car. Hell, I wouldn't put it past a lawyer to get pain and suffering damages for something like this. Anyhow, it's done and over with. Nothing more I can do but grieve and move on. My house felt empty now. No dog at my feet. Just empty.
Our two cats are still here, but they only make their presence known when it suits them. Two days later I came home from work at the usual time. My cat, Onyx, came running up and was ready to get in out of the heat. My daughter's cat was nowhere to be seen. Typically he comes in when I come home, but not always. I figured he was asleep somewhere and not ready to come in yet. Several times I called him that night. Each time he did not come. I was really starting to get worried. I was up until 1am trying to call the cat in. No luck. Given the recent events I was freaked out and paranoid that something might have happened to the cat. I recalled when I was younger and lost my favorite dog and cat in the same week. I was horrified at the thought that my daughter might have to go through the same thing. I didn't sleep well that night. I got up early and called the cat again. Still no luck. I got ready for work and started the car. Just as I was locking up the door, my daughter's cat came running up. I was so relieved! I let him in the house and left for work that day feeling so much better.
Well, my daughter will be home soon. I'm not sure how I am going to break the news to her. I've been going over and over it in my head...which also doesn't make things any better. But it will be good to have her home. My fiance will also be back soon, for at least a few days. My house will have some life back in it. We can work things out and make some new memories. I'm ready to start the next chapter. Hopefully the next time I blog it won't be such a downer!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment